Listen fans, and heed my cry, our Boston Bruins are underperforming in a big way this year! We, as a fan base, must come together as one and be a unified support for our team as they get under way in Atlanta and embark on a 4 game road trip.

Tonight, I have the Top 5 things needed to make sure the Boston Bruins win tonight. Every piece is crucial and must be present for the ENTIRE GAME. Some of these things may be a little strange, but it is certainly needed.

1. Milwaukee's Best Light

Look, a shitty team on the ice means that you need to drink a shitty beer to feel their pain. Milwaukee's Best Light, or as I call it, the Beast is about as bad a beer as you can get. See Dennis Wideman fall down skating backwards? Take a sip of the Beast. See the Bruins miss open net chances? Beast it up my friend. Sick of an underwhelming power play that makes the District 5 hockey team in Might Ducks look good? You know what to do, call upon the Beast. Drink enough of these 'Bad Larrys' and just like the Bruins, you'll wake up with a headache wondering what went wrong last night.

2. Ilya Kovalchuk Voodoo Doll

If you must, call me Daddy Boo Boo Master of Voodoo. Ok, don't do that, but you must have your Ilya Kovalchuk voodoo doll handy because he is on FIRE! Kovalchuk has 18 points in 11 games played, 12 of them being goals. The Bruins already can't put the puck in the net unless there is a rookie goalie, career AHLer or backup goalie in net, so having a guy who has more goals than games played on the same ice isn't a good sign. Keep your voodoo doll close and don't forget to shove your pins into it.

3. Dennis Wideman T-shirt

Use as a fire starter instead of twigs and/or newspaper. Much more durable to flaming and if thrown in backwards will fall right to the source of the fire.

4. Kleenex

Are you a sensative person? Do things easily upset you? If you have answered yes to either of these questions, you may not enjoy this game tonight. Tim Thomas has a GAA of 1.71 in his last 7 starts, yet his record is 1-3-3 (thanks Mary). That should make you sad because it means the offense sucks.

5. Alternate Plans

Just in case this one becomes a stinker early. Atlanta has the 2nd best offense in the NHL and their power play and penalty kill units are near the top in the league. When Boston has a power play, Atlanta should just keep the penalized guy on the ice, there's no point for a man advantage.

I know, it's not pretty, but we need to rally together. Get your high-5ing animal, some crappy beer and a voodoo doll, plant yourself in front of the TV and enjoy some (hopefully) great hockey and (hopefully) a Bruins W.

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